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On my journey of mindfulness, spirituality and self-empowerment, I came across the Law of Attraction. It is truly the concept that I’ve always wanted and needed in my life. However, as I dug deeper into my thoughts and awareness, I unpacked an emotional box I had put on the tippy-top shelf in the back of my mind: my toxic person. Lets talk about how toxic people block your manifestation of the Law of Attraction…. and how to get that power back.
The Tea on Toxic People
Toxic people are just a fact of life. You’ll find them in your family, your friends circles, at work, at the bus stop, on TV…. definitely in politics.
I see a toxic person as someone who continually steals your happiness.
No, that’s not the technical definition, but it’s just the spiritual explanation I’ve assigned to toxic people.
Fun suckers, party poopers, parade rainstorms….
We all know who they are.
They’re people close to you or people that you hold in high regard. They matter enough that their opinions or action can affect your mood.
Now, I’m not talking about your friend that isn’t up for going to Waffle House at 3am…. or your mom when she tells you to clean your room.
I’m talking about the people that cast a dark shadow over your sunshine on a continual, repetitive, persistent basis.
You can predict their negativity like you can predict the sun rising.
They can turn a good day into a bad day with one word. One look can make you feel like you’re the size of an ant. They have the ability to steal all of your optimism with one phrase.
The Irony of The Toxic Person
Many people who are toxic are usually 100% unaware of who they are as a person. They are so dense in their own narcissism, vanity and falsely-inflated self-worth that they have lost touch with reality.
They are typically jealous which causes them to also be judgemental. They gossip idly and may create lies about others to make themselves feel better… or just create drama.
Toxic people typically have very, very, very low levels of self-worth and self confidence… but they tend to come across like the strongest, most confident, down-righty cocky motherf&$%ers that you ever met.
They’re usually very intimidating and it kinda gives them more weight to oppress you and your thoughts.
In reality, their strong exterior is just a mask they put on to mask the ugly parts about themselves that they don’t like. If they discover something ‘less-than-pleasant‘ about themselves, they cover it up with a mask or a patch to make sure it is never seen by the outside world.
Rather than seek change or self-improvement, toxic people usually choose the easy way out.
They believe that the lie they are living is their real life. The mask feels their real face when they look in the mirror. They create an entire persona to mask the toxicity.
They eventually come to believe that their downright cruel criticism and judgement is ‘helpful advice’. They usually see their unfair expectations of other people as as ‘tough love‘.
You’ll find that many toxic people feel the need to repeat their successes and ‘authority’ of a subject. These are their reminders to you and everyone around them that you will never know as much and will never be as much as they are.
Toxic people live every second of their lives dwelling in the negative. These negative emotions that live so deeply in their soul that they are usually unaware of how much internal self-hate they have.
Again, since they are so unaware, many toxic people will masquerade as an optimist. They act bright and cheery, but their words are far from optimistic.
Due to a toxic person’s self-hate, they constantly cast shadows of mistrust, anger, frustration, disappointment on everyone around them. These are all emotions and feelings that they should be casting inward, upon themselves…. but instead have chosen to push these negative emotions on the people around them.
Toxic People vs Negative People
As you were reading all of that, you probably had a few people pop into your mind. However, are you sure that they are truly toxic? Or just a negative person?
I have tons of negative people in my world. Are they necessarily toxic? No. Draining? Yeah.
I know life is tough and we all have something to gripe about occasionally. However, if every time I see you, you’re complaining about your relationship, money woes and how bad you hate your job…. you’re probably a negative person.
I wont lie, it is hard for an INFJ to be around a negative person. I’m an empath. I will feel bad for you and your situation. I easily begin to carry the emotions and hardships that other people experience.
While it’s not easy to be around a negative person, I practice positivity daily. I have taught myself to detox and remove myself emotionally so I can eventually align myself back in a positive happy, mindset.
A toxic person is a negative person who casts emotions onto you. Guilt, fear, anger, disappointment, failure, lack, self-loathing….
A negative person will complain that their husband isn’t helpful around the house or that they hate their hairdresser for always making them look fat.
A toxic person will use something in their life or your life to make you feel negative.
For example: you got a new car but it isn’t as nice as theirs, you got a promotion but they still make more money than you, you have dreams of starting a business but they think you should probably play it safe and stay with your day job.
They will find some way to try and cheapen or lessen your life experiences.
My spiritual journey has led me to realize that even the ‘happiest’, ‘most positive’ people I know….are still really negative. It’s just human nature. Negativity doesn’t vibe with my practice of the Law of Attraction so I can only handle it in little doses. However, toxic people have no place in my life.
My Toxic Person
My toxic person has been in my life since I was very young.
I have memories back to 3 and 4 years old. Dreading their presence at dinner parties, our home, birthday parties…and heaven forbid I’d have to stay the night at their house.
I remember them teaching me ‘lessons‘ as a child. “Don’t be rude”, “Don’t be messy”, “Don’t talk that way”, “Don’t interrupt”, “Don’t sit that way”, “Don’t eat that type of food”.
I understand trying to raise a child with good manners…. but for f#$k’s sake. Let a 3 year old eat cereal without royal family dinner table etiquette.
As I got older, I noticed that the focus was always on the outside being pretty, never on the inside being pretty.
I can’t even begin to count the number of times they harped on putting my napkin in my lap, but I can’t think of a single instance where they ever talked about being a good friend or good person.
I take that back. If I forgot to mail a birthday card, I would get a ‘reminder’ of the importance of ‘correspondence‘. I always knew these little guilt-filled ‘reminders’ were more of a punishment than a lesson about remembering to send greeting cards.
The outward appearance means everything to my toxic person. How do we look as a family? How does it look that I didn’t finish college? How does it look that I live with a man and we’re not married?
To them, everyone’s opinions of our lives matters more than how our lives actually are. (If you know me, you know this drives me insane. Read my post about why INFJs hate social media. Same reason. Fake appearances)
Anyways, I’ve never been good enough for this person. They have always made me feel like a second-rate citizen, a failure, a total disappointment.
I cant think of one good thing my toxic person would say about me…. unless they’re trying to make someone else feel bad about their family by bragging about theirs. Even then, it definitely wouldn’t ever be a genuine compliment to me or my life.
Caring Criticism vs Downright Berating
The best friends and family members will criticize you. Offering constructive criticism is just part of loving someone. Wanting to help, offer guidance, steer them away from painful or hurtful experiences…. it’s all part of love.
However, the delivery, frequency and overall intent of the criticism is what decides whether it’s constructive criticism or emotional abuse.
Even with the happiest of news, my toxic person is whole-heartedly incapable of uttering a genuine “Congratulations” or “I am so happy for you“.
Every comment is shielded with a sort of disdain for me or my situation.
“That’s lovely that you moved in with your boyfriend, but are you sure he’s the one? What if things don’t work out? Shouldn’t you have a back-up plan? I have a friend in Atlanta that has a cousin that has a brother that might be a good roommate.”
“Oh you’re gonna be a blogger? Well, that’s interesting.. But is there really any money in that? I think you would be better off going back to college and taking some writing courses and writing for ‘Better Homes & Gardens’. I just don’t think you’ll get close to making a living from blogging.”
The same negative, rude remarks go for every aspect of my life.
I’ve always been too fat or too skinny. My hair is too dark or too straight. My make up was too heavy or I didn’t wear enough to cover my zits and dark circles. My clothes weren’t the right size or the ‘ideal fit for my body’. I never wore the right colors, types of shoes or nail colors.
In order to decipher between constructive criticism and toxic suggestions, you have to look at the deeper meaning behind what they’re saying.
Basically, my toxic person doesn’t like my looks, morals, work ethic or life decisions. They don’t’ trust my judgement, my intuition and they sure as hell think they could live my life for me better than I’m living it myself.
If they truly feel this way about me…. why bother having me in your life?
The Cloud of Grey
I literally have no way of describing my feelings while interacting with this person other than ‘Grey’.
Receiving phone calls and text messages from them. Grey. Checking my e-mail inbox seeing they sent me an e-mail. Grey. Seeing them in person. Grey.
I say grey because it’s like all of the positivity and happiness just fall into a vortex.
I could be in a bouncy house full of golden retriever puppies and endless boxes of wine, but the second that phone rings….grey.
I have come to interpret the grey as a mixture of all of my negative emotions hitting at once.
Fear of being criticized, anger about never being good enough, frustration that they don’t believe in me, sadness for my loss of a relationship with them….
If anyone makes you feel grey, they might be a toxic person. Try going an entire day without talking to them, being around them or thinking of them. If that day had more color and life…. then there’s a pretty good change they’re toxic to your mindset.
How Toxic People Block Your Manifestation Of The Law of Attraction
During my emotional and spiritual journey, I relied heavily on the Law of Attraction to help free my mind.
Regardless of how much I visualized, believed and showed unwavering gratitude, my manifestations just weren’t materializing.
I felt like my mind had shackles weighing it down and returning my subconscious to the negative, painful emotions I was trying so desperately to cast out.
Not trying to be dramatic or over-stated, but I seriously cried through most of this guided meditation video.
I never realized how much power I gave this person over my entire life. I never gave thought to how toxic people block your manifestation of the Law of Attraction….until now.
When Toxic People Hold Your Life Power Hostage
I let my toxic person control every aspect of me and my life. My self worth, my image of the world, my perceptions of friends and family, my fears of not being the ‘perfect lady‘.
I had 30 years worth of negative, hurtful sayings from this person that try to combat my inner dialogue of peace and success.
I would meditate and visualize abundance in my life. I would focus on a successful blog, plenty of money and continual joy.
Then, like clockwork, I would hear their voice: “You wont ever have money if you don’t go to college. You failed out at college because you don’t have any self motivation or drive for anything. You will live your entire life just trying to get by on the bare minimum because you went against my expert advice to go to college.“
I would visualize a joyous life spent with meaningful moments with family members and friends. Moments, trips, celebrations that just made my soul happy.
And again, their voice would return: “Well, you can’t possibly have many friends that love you or care for you. I mean, look at yourself. Your diet is terrible, you look like a mess. You’re uneducated and have no tact. Who would want to be friends with you?”
No freaking wonder my life had landed me in a place of negativity. I could never rise above to live an abundant life if I had someone with that much power over me being so pessimistic and hateful.
They had coercive control over my thoughts…. my life power.
Taking on Their Toxic Image of the World
As we discussed, toxic people usually live day-in and day-out with a continual drip of self-hatred, judgement, jealousy and lack of self-awareness.
So, it’s fairly reasonable to say that most toxic people see the world as an ugly, competitive rat-race that will chew you up and spit you out.
Most toxic people believe that you have to work yourself to get money and live in abundance. Even sometimes, hard work doesn’t doesn’t pay off. Someone is always trying to cheat you out of your money and there’s no sense getting comfortable at the top because you will most likely fall from the top and end up being a broken shell of a person.
What an unhealthy way to view the world around us…
…. But it is surprisingly easy for a toxic person to affect the way someone else feels about the world around them. Especially if you learned your world views from a toxic person.
If you have a toxic person in your life, make sure you really take stock of your views. Evaluate your world views and make sure that they haven’t biased or muddied your view of the things.
Why do you have your certain views about prosperity and your chances at success? What life experiences shaped your view about humanity? Did anyone ‘teach‘ you how to feel about your life experience before you actually experienced it?
The Healing Process
It’s not easy to heal from a toxic person’s damage, but everyone’s experience of recovery will be different.
After 30 years of toxicity, I didn’t just believe it, I felt it on every level of my soul.
The emotional damage from my toxic person would greet me when I woke in the morning, scream at me when I looked at myself in the mirror, stood in front of my words when I sat down to write.
I honestly started to become the same self-hating person that my toxic person is.
My toxic person is someone that was in my life before I even had a say-so. However, there’s a pretty good chance that your toxic person could be a friend or even a significant other. My friend, Steph, wrote a great post about using self love and self empowerment to get over a toxic relationship. Her take on recovery is beautiful!
Your mental health is similar to your physical health. If you ever want to live in a healthy body, you have to detox from toxins. You can’t feel good in a toxic body. You wont ever achieve mental health with toxicity around you or in your mind.
I highly suggest following the guided meditation video I mentioned on YouTube by Aaron Doughty. He will help guide you to relief and recovery better than I ever could. He inspired me to write about how toxic people block your manifestation of the Law of Attraction.
But regardless how you do it, the first few steps of healing aren’t easy. It requires you to draw unpleasant circumstances and emotions to the surface so you surface so you can deal with them.
You have to recall the moments that impacted you the most.
Experience those moments and experiences all over again. Let yourself feel whatever emotions some to the surface.
Evaluate what emotions and thoughts you have. Release anything that isn’t relevant.
Allow yourself to feel the feelings, assess the situation and then make the decision to walk forward, healed from the damage.
I sat down and wrote a note to my toxic person. I ended up burning the letter rather than giving it to them. I knew they would turn it back around on me and blame me for being ‘too sensitive‘. The funny thing about toxic people: they basically live life as a blind victim.
The Power I Took Back From My Toxic Person
My thoughts, my feelings, my beliefs are my own and this is what I take back.
- I choose to believe that the world is full of mostly good people.
- You can get ahead in life if you are passionate, driven and loving.
- You can truly be happy in every given moment- even if the moment itself isn’t perfect… you can at least be happy to be alive.
- I have decided to embrace my curves, my funky style and my not-so-perfect eyebrows.
- I choose to live in abundance. Health, wealth and love will all come towards me like a magnet.
- I will forever tell myself ‘Congratulations’ for every win. No matter how big or small, every win deserves a celebration.
- I can. I am capable. If I can and I want to, I will.
- I deserve it. I deserve all the happiness, love, success and joy that I can handle.
And by taking that back from my toxic person, I have it. I have everything I want. I am everything I want to be. I feel happy, healthy and loved.
You had power over my life force for 30 years…. it’s my turn. Let’s see what I can do with it!
Just to show the absolute disconnect and infectious narcissism in a toxic person’s brain, I had to share this with ya’ll….
Three days after I posted this, my toxic person called and said ‘I read your blog post about toxic people. I have a friend just like that. I really hate talking to her… but if I put up with her bullshit from time to time, she lets me borrow their beach house once a year’.
If that doesn’t sum up a toxic person for ya, I don’t know what will!