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Aside from my business profiles, I’m a mouse on social media. I hardly post anything and I rarely even get on most of my accounts. INFJs and social media don’t really mix. Read on to learn the truth about why your INFJ friend has stepped back from social media and why they wish you would just text them.

Faked Perfection

What it looks like….

The first photo on your feed is of the most popular girl you went to high school with. Like always, she looks like a fricking runway model. Hair, make-up, outfit… everything is on point. She’s posing with her perfect little family. Her hot husband dressed to the 9s, gorgeous kids all dressed up in the newest trends. They’re all posed perfectly in front of their massive, picturesque home with a pool, hot tub and like 9 damn cars.

INFJs and social media .... we don't wanna see your bullshit posed photos... post ya'll with cake in your ears, laughing and truly looking happy

Reality…

She probably had to bribe her kids with extra screen time or a sugary snack get them to smile. Her and her husband may not even be speaking today because she found out he’s doing his secretary. They could be upside down on their mortgage and up to their eyeballs in debt. She could have horrible postpartum depression and a pill problem. She likely photo-shopped her momma-pooch, her bus-driver arms and used a filter to help minimize her under-eye bags.

…. but why?

Most people see this ‘perfection‘ on their feed and envy her life.

You can’t see something in a photo if someone doesn’t want you to see it. You can’t know something about someone if they cover it up with lies. It’s just the sad way of things today.

If you ever want to be truly seen, you’ll have to remove your mask.

Wise Pinterest Quote

The filters and faking are for a reason…. because you don’t want people to see your reality.

This makes an INFJ’s skin crawl.

But, so many people are disgusted, annoyed, bored or even tired of their own lives that they create a ‘public life‘ to share with the world. This image usually consumes most people. It’s a daily struggle to keep it up and is usually accompanied by a lie you have to perpetuate.

It truly kills an INFJ to see people willing to spend 80% of their life creating a fake perception of their life rather than spending that time bettering themselves.

I mean, we’ve all seen it happen. The perfect model posts the happiest family photos one day, then changes her status to ‘divorced‘ the next.

If she had spent 1/2 the time on her family as she did faking her image, things might have ended up a lot different.

“But it’s better than my life!”

I mean, why not be jealous of her? Her life obviously beats your currently reality of 2 screaming kids, husband snoring on the sofa, pile of dishes and dry shampooed hair…

Right?

Actually no…. She may be wishing she was living your life.

Don’t discount your blessings when you compare your reality to someone else’s polished, outer image.

While you’re believing what she says her life is really like. You know what yours is really like and it’s glorious.

Your hair is a greasy, dry-shampooed mess because you spent the extra 10 minutes in bed snuggling your kids rather than washing your hair. Hubby’s zonked out cause he’s working his tail off to provide for ya’ll (and he’s secretly saving up to take you on a romantic get away). The pile of dishes are from a bomb-ass dinner you cooked rather than ordering take out like ‘Miss Perfect’ did.

Don’t dwell on someone else’s’ life that they choose to share with us. It will make you forget to be grateful for your own currently reality.

People have become jealous of relationships and situations that don’t even exist in reality.

This is all just too damn exhausting for an INFJ.

It’s not like we can message someone who is putting up these fake fronts and ask them ‘What’s going on that makes you so miserable with your reality?’ Because chances are, if you’re the type of person to do that, you don’t have a close INFJ friend to begin with.

Fake For Followers?

Since embarking on my social media journey to grow this blog, I learned how many people are faking their lives for followers.

Not just celebrities, but influencers, businesses owners and even just regular people…. are creating these plastic lives to hook a follower or two.

The number of ‘followers’ you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions. Jesus had 12.

Another Wise Pinterest Quote

It’s no coincidence that one of the most hilarious, relatable social media personalities is ‘Juggling The Jenkins‘. That girl is raw and real. She posts with no make up, hair a hot mess, dirty clothes, dirty house, children acting a fool, acting like a weird ass… but guess what? She’s insanely popular!

An INFJ’s favorite thing in the world is finding someone who is relatable and real. Even if we can’t have a super deep, meaningful conversation with you, we like finding people we can relate to from afar.

So, you in full make-up and hair….snuggling your perfect baby and husband in bed at 2pm? Can’t relate.

Tiffany Jenkins making her online Walmart pick-up list and feeling like she’s hot shit cause she ordered new slippers…. baby girl, that’s me!

The Elephant In The Room

We don’t trust people for two reasons: either we don’t know them….. or we do.

Social media usually leads to deteriorating trust for an INFJs and their friends. If we know you in person and we see another person you’re trying to be, we will inevitably start to have less trust in you.

It’s not even something we can help. Even if we know you’re not doing it out of an ugly place and you don’t mean to ‘put on a show‘, deception is deception to us.

Since INFJs live on an immovable foundation of trust and morals, any kind of deception or fakeness is likely to lead to a door slam.

A door slam is just too easy on social media sites nowadays. Just unfollow their content, turn off notifications and move on. INFJs carry way too much of the world’s weight on our shoulders. So, why should we carry yours if you’re not even willing to be honest with us?

Morals? Anyone?

There’s no doubt that our society has a serious, serious moral problem.

Look at any tragedy in recent news. You’ll find people that exploit it on social media for clicks or to push some sort of agenda.

Kids are becoming more and more likely to reach for their phone to take a video…. rather than help or call for help. This is celly. Yeah. That’s a tool. (Kudos if you got that)

We’re in trouble as a society and it’s torturous to INFJs. We can’t stand to watch people behave like unemotional, uncaring robots. I can’t even say ‘act like animals‘ because I think animals are more compassionate than some humans have become.

Watching our ‘friends’ and ‘acquaintances’ fall down this rabbit hole is devastating. It makes us see people differently and lose faith in society.

If you’re a fellow INFJ, you can understand when I say: I wake up every day in search for a sign that I continue should believe in humanity….

….. and you’ll rarely find that sign on social media.

I’m not saying never.

I’ve seen awesome videos of police saving koalas and people saving the lives of total strangers. But once you look at the comments, it’s easy to fear for the souls of your fellow man.

INFJ: The Epitome of Obsessive

If I get on a cleaning kick, you’ll find me cleaning my baseboards with a toothbrush and dryer sheet (yes it works- you can read more about my obsessive cleaning here).

If I get on a organizing kick, everything in my house will end up with a label (even the pets).

INFJs are obsessive messes. We get hooked on something and it is and we live and breathe.

So, obviously it’s best for the most addictive personality type to steer clear from highly addictive things…

Well, social media is addictive. Some sources say that it’s worse than cigarettes. If you’re addicted to social media, you’re more likely to experience anxiety, depression, FOMO (fear of missing out)… even death by checking social media while driving.

As an INFJ, we’re more likely to feel the depression and anxiety from excessive social media use. You can easily find yourself on an hour long Facebook stalk of an old friend… or in a heated political argument about something near to your heart.

But at the end of the day, does that make you feel even slightly better about yourself or the world?

I’m guessing no.

I think most INFJs have done the social media spiral. We’ve all probably reeled ourselves back from it at one point to refocus and re-charge.

While it’s not direct socialization with other people, we can feel our social batteries deplete on social media. Usually quicker than in-person social situations because the fakeness, lies and immoral crap cuts us hard.

Small Talk

Social media is in essence: public small talk.

Monday morning, you post a meme that says ‘TGIF’ and shows a gif of someone destroying their office. It may be relatable on some level, but by posting it, you’re asking people to engage in small talk.

‘Oh girl, mee toooooo! #MondaySuck’

As an INFJ, I’d rather get a root canal than sit through that shit.

Also as an INFJ, I feel obliged to participate in that shit.

We want to discuss our very existence and most people want to see cat videos. It’s just the honest truth.

I’m wondering why your day sucks so bad and how you’re doing. I’m trying to come up with something funny to say to make your day better. I’m writing out an entire message to you in my head…. asking how you are and why we ever drifted apart and how I miss you in my life.

In the end, I press the like button and shut the app.

Because, guess what? At the end of the day, INFJs and social media are like oil and water… and I just don’t fit in on social media.

Rare Real Connections

INFJs live for a true, deep connection.

On social media, that’s a rare thing to find.

Hence the show ‘Catfish’.

It’s just too easy to fake your persona and morals on social media.

I do have to say that I recently contradicted myself on this subject. I have become insanely close with my Hashtag Tribe that I met through Instagram. So not like me… but I’ve made some amazing, real friends. Also, darn ya’ll for making me be even more of a contradiction.

I’m not saying it’s impossible to make real online friends…. I’m just saying that it’s easier to bathe a squirrel than it is to make friends on social media. You can trust me on this cause I’ve done both.

INFJs and Social Media: Sharing Our Lives

Can you see why we’re gonna be quiet?

First of all, just from logging on, your brains are on over-drive.

Second, we just don’t know how to share…. or maybe we don’t want to.

In a world where the ‘in thing‘ to do is be over-exposed, maintain your mystery.

As for an INFJ, we’re already walking mysteries. We’ve all poured our hearts out and over-shared to someone…. and they just didn’t freaking get it.

So, we stay quiet.

I mean, it’s not like I keep secrets. I just keep people out of my business.

It’s easier for everyone involved.

Plus, INFJs are like delicate little flowers. We over-think everything.

“Did that post hurt someone’s feelings? What did her comment mean? I haven’t talked to her in years, why is she acting like my best friend?”

It’s too much. Just too much.

So… the next time that you notice a friend is MIA on social media. Remember my take on INFJs and social media. Your friend may want to hear from you and hear how your life is going.

But we aren’t getting on social media to find out…. and we damn sure aren’t gonna text you first.

Love ya’ll!

-MJ

Limit Breaker has an absolutely stellar post about how to be authentic in the online world. Great read with some amazing tips for anyone who wants to participate in social media without selling their soul to the devil.

INFJs…. whats your biggest social media pet peeve?!?!

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I'm an INFJ- so I'm a walking contradiction with ADD and a heart the size of Texas. I live my life by the Law of Attraction and I love helping other people find inner peace.

14 Comments

  • Becky

    Great read! Social media can cause all out depression if not careful. So glad we didn’t have it when I was growing up. Loved the Hitler and Jesus example. Quality over quantity.

    • BarbedWireandLace

      Social media is such a double edge sword. It’s amazing to be able to get so much information from so many sources all around the world gathered in one place. It’s a necessity for anyone trying to grow a business or brand name, but you have to be able to step back and remember to not get sucked in. Thanks for reading, Becky!

  • Jennifer

    My INFJ peeve – too much drama and too many heightened emotions on social media that I am absorbing. I get completely drained!

    • BarbedWireandLace

      Exactly! Just saw a friend that posted about a local burger joint… there was a thread of 50 heated, angry comments back and forth… about a burger place!!! I mean, I’m an INFJ, so I legit care about everything… but I can’t stand the melodrama. It’s like our worst nightmare. Small talk AND drama rolled into one!

  • Donna

    Love this article.

    I told someone today that sometimes weeks go by before I look at Facebook. I don’t need to invite everyone’s false impressions into my home, by opening my phone. I don’t want to know. I will lose sleep because my empathetic self will feel all that you feel. . .and it’s too exhausting.

    • BarbedWireandLace

      Thank you so much for reading! I’m glad you liked it! I’m the same way! Everyone probably thinks I live on social media because of all that I do for my blogging, but I honestly automate it and forget it because I can’t stand to get on and see my feed.

      Last week, I saw that an old friend was going through an awful divorce. Of course, being an INFJ, I tried to tell her years and years ago that there was something ‘fishy’ about her husband. Turned out, he had a whole separate family in a different state. Even though I tried to warn her, I still feel so bad for her that I’ve been having nightmares.

      It’s just so emotionally draining for an INFJ to get on social media. It’s like a portal to all of our friends and acquaintances problems and woes.

  • Felicia

    Actually, I’m an INFJ and I love Twitter. It’s got its cons, no doubt. A lot of the things you say are true, but everyone has the ability to shape their social media to their liking with following whomever they like, blocking or muting people or even words. I’ve found others I have things in common with who are probably not my mb type. But still there’s a community of like minded people out there. Every mb type can fall prey to depression and anxiety and other negative affects from the use of social media. It’s not exclusive. Or maybe I’m just the even rarer oddball walnut in the fruit salad that is us infjs.:)

    • BarbedWireandLace

      I think I went about Twitter the wrong way and just got a sour taste in my mouth… but I will definitely give it a second chance now that you’ve mentioned this. I can’t say social media is 100% bad because if it wasn’t for social media, I wouldn’t have found my blogging Tribe… so I’m beyond grateful for that.

      Facebook and Instagram tend to be where I get the most frustrated. Friends, family and neighbors posting completely fake lives. Making it seem like they’re people they’re not, doing things they don’t do and having stuff they don’t have. It frustrates me because I feel like this is like a moral no-no. It’s lying and deceiving. If I don’t have anything to share, I just don’t share. I see people basically hijack other peoples’ lives and post it as their own.

      I feel like social media is increasingly fake and not genuine. It breaks my heart cause I don’t like people feeling like their own lives aren’t good enough to share and that they have to make up a fake life.

      But I SO appreciate you reading and sharing your input. I love meeting other INFJS and hearing their input on things!

  • Claudia

    Hi!

    I just found your blog and recently discovered I’m an INFJ as well!

    I’ve struggled with social media in the last couple of years, especially now that I’m an adult & 95% of my friends on IG are what I call ‘ghosts of friends past’ because they’re people I went to HS or college with but haven’t spoken to in YEARS. If I were to be honest, I would only follow about 15 people, but I’m following 400+ and it’s exhausting.

    Do you still have a personal IG? I’m contemplating deleting it seeing as I don’t get any real value.

    Even the 15 friends I care about, I get no value in seeing their breakfast or quote of the day.

    ANOTHER thing, is I feel it makes me less social. Since I just saw a pic of you, I don’t feel the urge to send a text and catch up. It creates a false sense of closeness.

    Thanks for your post btw! It felt like someone opened my head and wrote what I was feeling but couldn’t put to words!!

    -Claudia

    • BarbedWireandLace

      Claudia,

      I am so glad that you stumbled across my blog and found this post.

      Social media is a real bear… I think it’s actually going to be something that the future generations are going to truly struggle with and it morphs and controls more of our lives.

      I can’t imagine growing up as a young INFJ and absorbing all of the info that is on social media. I can honestly say it would lead me to a deep depression or possibly worse. Seeing the sparkly lives everyone chooses to post… then looking inward at my own awkward teenage experience. I truly believe it would damage my psyche beyond repair.

      I am the same way with social media. I follow about 20 people that I CARE to see their content. Everyone else is noise. I find myself unfollowing people on Facebook every time I get on. I think ‘Who IS this person?’….

      That’s why I 100% agree with you about it creating a false sense of closeness. You watch someone’s entire life on social media… but you may have only met them at a party or through a mutual friend.

      It makes you feel annoyingly invested in their lives. Something that I feel is incredibly dangerous and toxic for an INFJ. Being empaths, we carry their struggles as they are our own.

      I do still have a personal IG, but I don’t use it. It’s just sorta… there. Can’t even remember the last time I logged on!

      Anyways, I loved hearing your take on things. It really means a lot that you read my post and left a comment!

      Have a great day!

  • Jonathan

    Thanks for this article! I’m an INFJ as well so this was all extremely relatable and helpful to understand why I think the way I do about social media (it was also very funny)! I’ve deleted all my social media accounts now which I sometimes feel bad about because there’s a lot of people I have no contact with anymore but it’s definitely made my life better overall and as you said interactions on social media aren’t really real or fulfilling interactions anyways. Before I got rid of it all I wrote a post about social media on a blog of my own (which I gave up on because I hoped it would help people understand me and start conversations but it ended up just making me feel anxious since no one gave me feedback on it). It has some similar thoughts so thought you might find it interesting: http://selfreflectionjk.weebly.com/blog/a-nofilter-selfie-of-my-social-media-use

    • BarbedWireandLace

      Thank you so much for reading, Jonathan!

      PLEASE don’t feel bad about deleting social media. If you need to do it for you, then do it!

      I had a SUPER enlightening comment earlier from another reader who had a wonderful point. Social media creates a fake sense of closeness. Because you see someone’s face every single day, you feel like you’ve recently seen or spoken to them. Therefore, you’re less likely to reach out in a meaningful way!

      Do NOT give up on your blog! Ever! If it’s an outlet for you, let it be your own little outlet. It’s okay if you don’t get any feedback! Seriously! So many BIG TIME bloggers still get very little feedback on their posts… and I can 100% agree with you that it is unnerving and uncomfortable to feel like no one is responding to your content because it’s bad. FALSE. It most likely means that your readers are a bit more introverted or possibly even anxious about commenting themselves!

      I’m going to check out your post now! Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I am so happy that you could relate and get a little giggle!

  • pippadog51

    so so true.. I get exhausted easily ,since ,the dawn of social media. Its like I am not keeping up or missing out when I KNOW I am not. My friends and family think I am odd not to embrace social media.. My husband talked me into having a mobile and he had to use fear tactics to get me to have one. When I did have one I kept the same one for 16years (well it did the job) to only be told you need to keep up.. I find this all very very exhausting.. first mentally then physically.. The only way to describe it is being hugged when I DONT want to be whilst being told its for my own good..

    • BarbedWireandLace

      YES!! Oh my goodness!! You found the words for what social media does to me! The unwanted hug!! Everyone is like ‘you’re CRAZY! Hugs are good!’…. but you’re like ‘only from specific people and only when I want it!’ hahaha

      Don’t let anyone shame you for not wanting to participate in social media or updated technology!!! EVER!

      I HAVE to do it for the sake of my blog, but my personal accounts sit quiet for 8 months out of the year! Zero shame once I realized it’s a form of self care to stay away from social media!

      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment! Always love to hear from friends who struggle with the same stuff I do!

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