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Anger. Frustration. Resentment. Hatred. These are strong words but chances are, you’ve felt some of them, if not all of them at some point in your life. However, what would you say if I told you that these emotions actually hurt you more than they hurt the other person? Well, they do. So lets talk about how you can let go of hate and anger to make your mind a more positive, peaceful place.

The Fall Out

So, it happened.

Your friend did something that really broke your heart.

Your boyfriend cheated on you with one of your friends.

Your family member has been stealing from you.

***I’m really hoping that all of those things didn’t happen to you…. that would be a really bad week. I’m just throwing out scenarios.***

And now you’re mad. You’re fuming.

Maybe you’re mid-argument and there’s still more to ‘go down’… or maybe you want nothing to do with them.

You stop answering their phone calls. You remove them from your social media, you ignore them at the grocery and you are just done.

You’re just on freaking fire about what they did to you.

You’re secretly (or not so secretly) hoping that Karma catches up to them and they finally get a taste of their own medicine.

You tell your friends and family about it.

You share posts on Twitter & Instagram that relate to you and how you feel about being hurt.

You’re just stewing in it.

It’s all you can think about and you see no resolution and no end to the hurt.

The Realization

If you’ve ever found yourself in the place I just described, take a second to think about how you felt during all of that.

You felt like shit, right?

You’re emotionally taxed.

You’re finding yourself in a wretched mood all the time.

You’re finding that some of your friends and family have just had it with your mood and how often you talk about everything that happened.

You might even find yourself falling into bad luck. You wake up and stub your toe on the bed. You spill toothpaste on your shirt. You break your phone screen.

You start thinking “God! Can’t anything go right?!?!”

Now you’re even more unhappy. You’ve lost a person from your life and it seems like your world is falling in.

Is it all just happenstance? Or is there some sort of a connection between your negative emotions and the never-ending ‘bad luck’…?

The Law of Attraction At Work

I won’t get too far into the Law of Attraction and what it’s all about. If you’re interested in learning more about it you can read about why I think the Law of Attraction is the secret to success.

Basically, the Law of Attraction is like attracts like.

So, if you’re a positive, upbeat person you’re going to run into other positive, upbeat people.

We’ve all seen the Law of Attraction at work… but most people just call it a ‘good day’.

You wake up before your alarm goes off. You feel rested and motivated. You look awesome when you leave the house and your confidence is rocking. There’s zero traffic on the way to work. Someone pays for your coffee and there’s mysteriously an open parking spot right up front!

That’s not a coincidence!

It’s the Law of Attraction at work!

So clearly, when you’re stewing in anger, hatred and frustration… things are gonna get a little hairy.

By letting those negative emotions control you, you’re cursing yourselfnot the other person.

They are not affected by your feelings.

But you sure are!

I’ve personally gone down the hatred rabbit hole a hand full of times…. and it was a black cloud over my head every single time.

I’ve lost friends by complaining and dwelling on the anger. I’ve gotten into some knock-down-drag-outs because I was so vocal about my hatred. I’ve attracted some really nasty situations because of my negative emotions…. and I’ve learned a lot.

Just know that by living in a constant swell of painful, negative emotions, you’re attracting more of the same to your life.

So…. how can you let go of hate and anger to bring positivity into your life?

Let’s talk about it!

Processing & Healing

For anyone going through any kind of painful break up or friend/family troubles, I highly suggest journaling to really work through the feelings.

The first thing you need to do is lay out the situation in its’ entirety.

What happened from beginning to end. How you felt about what happened. What you said and how you reacted. Who all was involved and how you’re currently feeling.

Writing it all out can really bring some clarity to you on the entire situation. It’s also important to write down any input that ‘outsiders’ have given you about it all. It’ll help you see it from someone else’s perspective.

Go through and accept all of the facts of the situation.

Accept what you said and what you did.

Accept what they said and what they did.

Try to find the lesson in all of it.

Did you learn to not over-share? Did it teach you to be more kind and understanding? Are you now more aware of the way people treat you in the beginning of a relationship?

Allow yourself to feel the feelings you felt when it all happened.

Try to understand why it made you feel angry.

Then release the hurt. Release the hatred. Let go of the anger.

Meditation really helps with this part, so I highly suggest meditating to truly release the pain and anger.

If you’re not one to meditate, it helps too look at a photo of them and say ‘I forgive you.’

It sounds hokey and cheesy, but it really does help. It rewires your brain to accept forgiveness rather than being stubborn and continue stewing in anger.

Forgive, Don’t Forget

Just because you’re willing to let go of the negative feelings doesn’t mean that you have to forget your experiences.

Asking yourself to forget is unrealistic and unfair. It’s also extremely counter productive.

If you try to forget the situation, you’ll repress your emotions and it will boil back up!

You have to be willing to truly forgive them. Regardless of how heinous their acts or words were, you have to be ready to fully forgive them from the bottom of your heart.

Forgiving someone is not something that you’re doing for them. You’re forgiving them for yourself.

Sometimes you have to accept the apology you never got and be okay with it.

Some people don’t and won’t apologize.

It’s just not in their nature. They could punch you in the face and not feel the need to apologize.

But that’s not your burden to carry. Their inability to vocalize an apology should not hinder your ability to forgive.

Remember: forgiving someone is not a sign of weakness. Only the strong are able to truly forgive someone. (Even Ghandi said so….)

I think so many people think that forgiving someone shows a sign of weakness or think it’s a ‘cop out’.

It’s not! It’s giving yourself a chance for peace, healing and stillness in your heart..

By forgiving someone, you won’t change anything about the past, but you’re going to open yourself up for a brighter, happier future.

You’d be shocked to find out what that peace will do for your energy and your mood.

Don’t Play Games

If you’ve been hurt by someone, the worst thing you can do is to make the fall out super public.

If you hop on social media or go on a smear campaign, all you’re doing is amplifying those negative emotions and putting them out into the Universe…. and trust me, they will come back to you. Amplified.

Just stop. Breathe.

Even if you can’t bring yourself to forgive just yet…. or you’re still working on finding peace, you can still do one thing.

You can do nothing.

Don’t talk shit about them. Don’t tell anyone ‘the tea’. Don’t let their name escape your mouth in a negative way.

Remember: you never look good when you’re trying to make someone else look bad.

Plus, we’re focusing on removing those negative feelings from your body entirely…. not just hiding them from certain people.

So if you’re feeling the urge to vent and complain, write it down. Keep it to yourself.

Hell, write it down and burn it! This is so incredibly therapeutic to get it out of your mind and release it.

Cutting Ties Not Burning Bridges

If you’re done with the person completely, calmly walk away. Don’t poke at them, don’t ‘have the last word’, don’t make it a big deal.

If you ever get the chance to treat them the way they treated you, I hope you choose to walk away and do better.

Najwa Zebian

If anyone ever asks what happened between you two, just find a way to politely say ‘We’re just on different paths in life’.

Don’t elaborate. Don’t be snarky. Don’t make a face or imply anything.

Even if you’re talking to your best friend or ‘someone who is on your side’…. just don’t do it.

By talking about it, you’re giving it your attention.

The more attention you devote to it, the more energy you are giving the negative situation…. and we’re trying to drain that negative energy to make room for positivity.

Karma Is Not Your Attack Dog

In past situations, I would even see the person’s name in my contact list and feel triggered all over again.

I think to myself ‘ugh. What a horrible person. I really hope they get what’s coming to them.’

Guess what? That’s not my place.

Karma is not just bad luck boomerang that whacks someone in the head after they hurt you.

That’s what Karma is in a cartoon. Not real life.

I think we’ve all been fed the wrong meaning and true nature of Karma.

Karma is not something that only gets called into existence when someone does something wrong. It’s not God saying ‘Oh, you cut someone off in traffic? I’m gonna put a police officer 2 miles up the road to pull you over’…..

Looking at Karma in this light means that you are assigning the person the title of ‘victim’.

However, Karma doesn’t ‘victimize’ anyone. Karma is the result of an action.

Think of it as ‘causal responsibility’…. or a seed you’ve planted in your garden.

If you planted a sunflower seed, you will one day look in your garden to see a beautiful sunflower. If you planted a weed or a poisonous plant, you will also eventually see that grow in your plot.

Someone who plants nothing but weeds will never have a healthy, enjoyable garden.

Karma is a balance of energy within the Universe…. and you cannot intervene in someone else’s Karmic balance.

If they’re planting sunflower seeds, you can’t hope for weeds to appear…. and if someone is planting poisonous plants in their own garden, you can’t ‘ask’ Karma to overwhelm their garden with weeds.

You reap what you sow.

So, stop asking Karma to come for someone who has wronged you. Just stop.

We’re all guilty of it.

But you need to take that off your plate if you want to get to a healthy place. It’s not your burden to bear, so just let it go and let the Universe handle it.

Repairing The Relationship

If you don’t have the intention of cutting ties with the other person, don’t play mind games. Don’t hold it over their head and constantly bring it back up.

To truly move on and heal, you need to let your soul find a way to peace about things. So figure out what it is that you need to happen to get you to stillness.

Sit down and have a calm, logical conversation with them.

Air it all out, get it on the table and explain to them what you need from them in order to heal and move on.

Make sure that you listen to their side of things. Get all of the facts and let yourself process it all.

If you were partly to blame for anything, admit it. Take your blame, apologize and ask for forgiveness. Don’t let your wrong-doings sit out there unanswered and unaddressed.

Learn To Love Them

Whether you re-connected with them or not, you gotta find a way to love them.

This sounds like a tall order…. and it honestly sounds cheesy AF.

But, really.

Learning to love them is part of the healing process and it’s required to move into a positive place.

Loving them doesn’t require hugging, writing love notes or even saying ‘I love you’.

Loving them is more at a spiritual level.

Regardless of what they have done, you have to love them as a human.

You have to learn to love them as another person that is walking this Earth at the same time you are. You have to love them for the good times you’ve had together and the time that you spent in each others’ presence.

I think love is similar to Karma and we’ve been told the wrong definition.

Love is actually a state of being. It’s a consciousness level. It’s selfless and it transcends beyond our physical body.

Feeling love and being in the state of love will raise your vibrational energy and keep you in a positive mindset.

So instead of cringing when you hear their name, breathe and mentally think ‘I love you’.

It’ll be hard at first.

If you’re struggling with this, you should watch Aaron Doughty’s YouTube video about Ho’oponopono Meditation. This video really helped me understand healing and he does a better job explaining it than I ever could.

You will realize that by allowing love to fill your heart, there’s less room for the hate and anger.

Send Positive Vibes Their Way

It will take a bit to get yourself to a place where you can do this part.

It’s not like you’ll read this post and think ‘I forgive them!! I’m healed! I love them! I’m gonna send them sunshine and rainbows!’

If I was that good of a writer, I would be a millionaire!

But, if you truly want to move to a more positive place in your life, you’ll be willing to work through these steps.

This step is more of a mindfulness challenge than anything.

It’s teaching yourself to change a habit or reaction to hearing their name or being in their presence.

When you see them or start to think of them, you have to think about somethinganything positive.

Instead of looking at them and thinking ‘you heartless pig‘….. start small by changing that thought to ‘hello human‘.

Sounds silly, but it’s a small mental change that will make a big difference.

Once you rid yourself of the negative emotions and self talk, you can replace it with actual positivity.

You can eventually think things like ‘I hope you are doing well’ and ‘I hope you have a nice day’.

I watch a lot of personal development, spiritual and self-help gurus on YouTube. Like a lot.

When I first heard anyone talking about this, I actually laughed. All I could think was ‘how on Earth do I do this? And how could it help?’

Again, it takes some patience and re-wiring of your brain, but you can and should try it.

It really changes your life.

I mean, if you think of it on any spiritual level, it’s just not good to walk around carrying hate in your heart. Then take into account what the negativity and stress does to you physically, it’s just not worth it.

I know it all sounds very witchy and hippie-ish, but it’s a pretty Universal concept.

Every religion (that I can think of) and every spiritual practice has some form of ‘love your enemy’.

So work on changing your mindset towards them.

Even it’s someone you’ll never see again. Change your thoughts about them to be positive. Again, I’m not saying you have to forget what happened. But you have to be willing to consciously shift your emotions and thoughts.

After a while, it will become effortless and easy. It will feel soothing to your soul and cleansing to your spirit.

That positivity will follow you to your other relationships and help you attract more positive people in the future.

Your mind is an incredibly strong thing. Use that power as a force for good.

Really Let Go Of Hate And Anger

Even if the hurt feelings are still fresh and you’d rather slam their fingers in a car door than send love their way, just know that it’s okay.

You’re not a bad person for being hurt or feeling this way.

It’s human nature and it’s okay!

I’m not shaming you for feeling that way, I’m honestly sending healing vibes your way.

Because there is healing on the other side.

And you deserve it. Everyone deserves it. Even the other person involved in your situation.

Everyone deserves healing and peace.

Just cut yourself some slack. Be patient. Be honest and open. Then let the stillness and positivity into your life.

Holding a grudge and being angry isn’t worth your energy.

Healing and moving forward is.

So do that instead.

You’re worth it.

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I'm an INFJ- so I'm a walking contradiction with ADD and a heart the size of Texas. I live my life by the Law of Attraction and I love helping other people find inner peace.

4 Comments

  • Lori Roach

    Great information that I think hits home with every single person who has ever walked this earth. We have all been wronged, and we have all done wrong, at some point in our lives. Healing and moving forward is so important, because, as you pointed out, it is a benefit to YOU more so than to the other person. You have given many excellent concrete ways to put the wrong behind you and move forward in life.

    • BarbedWireandLace

      Thanks for the comment, Lori!

      I think that’s an important thing to note: we’ve all felt pain before. Hurt is a Universal thing, so if we don’t cope with it, we’re just going to live in a sad, negative world.

      Healing is beautiful and it’s self care.

  • supportlimitbreaker

    This post really challenged me. I have a particular person in mind who I’ve decided to try and remove from my mind rather than forgive. I ‘nothing them’, if you see what I mean. But I’ve realised that that’s not really true because if I see his name, or someone mentions him, I do feel angry. He’s not in my life anymore and it would be very rare for me to see him but my technique is obviously not working. I’m going to have to do this forgiveness thing.

    • BarbedWireandLace

      I honestly think that it’s even harder to forgive and move on if someone isn’t in your life anymore.

      It’s like feeling like someone died but you don’t get the chance to mourn the loss.

      It’s like throwing a towel over a pile of dirty dishes. It eventually needs to be uncovered and dealt with… but it’s something you put off because you know the longer it takes for you to address it, the nastier it will be.

      I hope you find healing! You so truly deserve it!

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