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Some people don’t give a flying flip if someone likes them or not. Other people get physically ill thinking that someone doesn’t like them. I’m definitely a creature of the second variety. Well, I was. Until I finally realized that not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay.
This post will most likely be for my INFJ friends. But it’s also for the empaths, the introverts, the socially anxious or even the socially awkward. It’s for the highly sensitive people, the people pleasers and worry warts.
This is for my friends that struggle with not being liked. To anyone who loses sleep when someone doesn’t like them. To someone that feels their self-worth take a hit when they find out they have a ‘hater’.
In this post I am not saying that you should become the type of person who says “I am who I am and I do what I want. F*ck anyone who doesn’t like me”.
That’s something that someone says after they’ve been a real jerk.
I picture someone saying that after they cheated on their spouse and they’re like “I’m a Taurus. You can’t control me.”
This post isn’t about being a bad person and being okay with people not liking you for it….
This post is about being a decent person with good intentions and coping when you still land on someone’s ‘Shit List’.
So if you’re looking for validation to act like a brat and feel okay with it, you’re on the wrong post.
Make Sure You Like You
I’m not going to go real deep into self-awareness and self-worth because that’s a separate 10k word post for another day.
But, your first concern about being liked…. should be if you actually like yourself.
It doesn’t matter what Joe Schmoe thinks about you if you think horrible things about yourself to begin with.
Sometimes, we take things so personally that someone doesn’t like us…. because they’re giving validation to things we already think about ourselves.
So, if you’re having internal battles with yourself about not being liked, make sure you address that before you try to combat the opinions of others.
Their Beliefs vs The Truth
You need to decipher the difference between beliefs and the truth before you even begin to worry about someone liking you or not.
The truth is concrete. It is fact. It is reality.
The truth lies in your actions, words and intentions.
If you are a good person with pure intentions. You are giving, caring and loving. That is the truth and it is shown by your actions that back this up.
So if someone doesn’t like you, it is based upon their belief of you. Not the truth.
“Then why can’t they see it?”
Remember this: everyone is doing the best they can with the state of consciousness and awareness that they have within themselves.
They are creating their beliefs based on their level of consciousness.
So, let’s say someone doesn’t like you because they think that you’re ‘rude’.
But you’re not rude. You don’t cut people off when they’re talking. You don’t speak down to people. You aren’t snarky or sassy.
You’re just introverted and have a bit of social anxiety.
They believe that you are rude based on their interactions with you and the assumption they made about your actions.
They see you in the light of their beliefs based on their consciousness.
So, if they don’t understand what introversion or social anxiety is, then they will have to base their beliefs off something they do understand.
They label you as rude rather than considering you may just be uncomfortable…. because that is their level of understanding.
Just know that their beliefs do not change the truth.
So as long as your truth is good and pure, their beliefs shouldn’t effect your energy (but I know that’s easier said than done).
You cannot speak to someone on a level they do not understand.
It’s Not Always You
They may not like you because of how they are, not because of how you are.
For example, you just started a new job at a law firm. You’re a go-getter. You pull long hours, go the extra mile and you have no problem rolling up your sleeves and doing the dirty work.
Your new co-worker down the hallway might dislike you from day 1.
Not because of anything you’ve done. But because you are ‘a threat’.
They may call you a brown-noser or ‘Goody Two Shoes’ (is that even a thing that people say anymore?)…….. just because you’re doing your job and you’re doing it well.
They haven’t been giving 100% at work and your extra work actually highlights their lack of drive.
And if you know anything about people like this, they will always take the easy way out.
So rather than stepping up to be on your level, they will try to drag you down to theirs.
Before you beat yourself up that a new co-worker, neighbor or friend’s friend doesn’t like you, check the situation.
Check how they act, how they talk about you and to you.
Sometimes people are waging wars against themselves in their own heads and you show up on the battlefield as a distraction.
Don’t let yourself get sucked in and become that distraction.
Let them figure out their own war strategy and just keep your armor up around them.
You’re Not Everyone’s Cup of Tea
This is where self awareness really comes into play and you have to be annoying real about who you are.
I’m an extroverted introvert. So sometimes I am the quietest person you’ll ever meet and other times, I’m the life of the party. I cuss like a sailor but I’ll say please and thank you like I was raised in a church. I’m outdoorsy in the sense that I like to drink wine on my patio, but I won’t go on a 12 mile hike with you… no way, no how. I’m a spiritual person, but I don’t like to talk about it with most people. I’m a political/historical junkie with some pretty intense beliefs…
I could go on… but I won’t.
Just looking at that list, there’s a ton of reasons that someone might not like me and I didn’t even list the really annoying stuff about me!
Just because they don’t like me for any of those reasons, I’m not a bad person.
And just because they don’t like me for one of those reasons, they’re not a bad person either.
We just have different preferences, different ways of living life. Different perspectives and different levels of consciousness.
So, say someone doesn’t like me because I’m not religious….. that just says that they choose to be around religious people and I am just not one of those people.
I’m not their cup of tea, but I might be someone else’s shot of whiskey.
Sorry… had to do it. This place is called Barbed Wire & Lace… I had to throw in a hokey country song lyric….
Do They Really Matter?
One of the best quotes I’ve ever read was ‘If they don’t know you personally, don’t take it personally.’
This sounds so brash and insensitive, but does it really matter if that person doesn’t like you?
If you met them once and they tell a mutual friend ‘Yeah, I didn’t like her. She was sorta annoying.”
If they’re that brash to judge you that quickly, they have no Earthly idea who you truly are.
So that actually says more about them than it does about you.
This is something that I swear my mom told me every week when I was in high school.
“What Sally says about Suzie says more about Sally than it does about Suzie.”
If only my dense teenage brain would have put down the pride long enough to listen to the words my mother spoke, I would have learned this a whooooooole lot earlier in life. But, what can ya say? I was a teen.
But as I’ve grown wise(r) in my old age, I’ve come to learn that ‘those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter’.
So if someone dislikes you for some petty, childish reason, let it be.
Don’t lose sleep over someone not liking you if they don’t even know you.
Your life isn’t really yours if you spend all your time worrying about what others think. It’s especially important that you don’t give your life power away to someone who doesn’t even know you!
Growth is a part of life.
So you will outgrow some people and some people will outgrow you.
Don’t take offense to anyones’ growth or lack of growth.
Sometimes our timing is off with other peoples’ growth and that comes across as ‘dislike’.
As we grow, we all fall into our own places, our own routines, and ways of thinking.
You have to be humble enough to know that you’re not better than anyone, but also wise enough to know that you’re allowed to be who you are without being judged for it.
So as you grow or you are out-grown, remember that there is no ‘winner’.
Growth means possibly being disliked…. and growth is just a fact of life.
Their Perception is Their Reality
I think the most profound statement I ever heard was ‘You are a million different people to a million different people.’
So your significant other doesn’t have the same perception of you as the cashier at the grocery store.
Your spouse may think you hung the moon (well, at least I hope they do). But the cashier may see you as a weirdo who buys an awkward amount of cheese, cat food and wine…..
All jokes aside, you have to come to terms with the fact that there are many perceptions of you.
Even if you are the most down-to-Earth, real, level-headed person…. everyone sees something different.
And that is okay.
Don’t try to fight it.
You can’t force someone to see your worth. You can’t talk them into liking you. You can’t convince them that they are wrong about you.
And honestly, it’s not worth your breath.
Some people think I’m a caddy, know it all bitch. Some people think I’m a loyal friend. Some people think I’m fake as can be. Other people think I’m a ‘salt of the Earth’ kind of person.
If I was to run around and scream at people “you’re wrong about me! I am a good person!!!!”…. would that actually do anything?
It would actually probably be counterproductive cause then they’d think I am a bit of a loon….. on top of what they already believe about me.
So just leave it be. Allow them to feel however they feel.
Their perception is theirs and yours is yours.
Don’t Over Think It
Old me would find out that someone didn’t like me and panic.
I’d over-think every single word I ever said to them. Every word they said to me.
I’d stalk their social media to see if they were talking about me. I would ask people if they said anything about me….. I would drown myself in the worry of not being liked.
What would it accomplish? Would I find some sort of answer? A magic way to make them like me?
So any energy spent trying to ‘figure it out’ is a waste.
All I was doing was lowering my energy to fit how they feel about me.
Therefore, I was turning down my light.
I was letting their beliefs about me affect my beliefs about myself.
I would let their distaste for me become a distaste for myself.
But you can’t forget that the truth is being overshadowed.
They may see you as a hateful, selfish person…. but the truth doesn’t reflect their beliefs.
So make sure you are self aware and you know your truth.
Then make sure you’re holding the truth higher than their beliefs.
Don’t Beg To Be Liked
Don’t try to put in your two cents about not being liked.
This is hard for me.
I just want to talk to them. I want to figure it all out and fix things like the people pleaser that I am.
However, it’s just not a good idea.
They have their own idea of who they think you are.
Let them criticize that person.
Because, again, if you are rock solid and know who you are, that criticism doesn’t fit.
Therefore they’re not criticizing and ‘hating’ on you, they’re criticizing a belief they have of you.
So, stop trying to ‘protect’ your name or ‘fix your reputation’.
Protect your energy and fix your self image.
Get Your Confidence Back
Thanks to some real negative influences in my younger years, my confidence has been lower than rock bottom for most of my life.
Having low confidence makes it even easier for other people to convince you that you are not worthy.
You have to stop associating your confidence and self worth with what other people think about you.
Having confidence is not “Their opinion is stupid. I’m right”.
Having confidence is not “I’m the hottest thing since sliced bread”.
Confidence is being okay with yourself despite someone not liking you.
According to Oxford, confidence is “a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.”
Again, you need to be super self-aware and real with yourself.
What are your abilities? What are your qualities?
Once you know these and you are sure about them, the less you will worry about someone elses’ belief.
If you know that you are a loyal, caring, loving person, the less it will bother you if someone says you’re selfish.
You can’t change how people treat you or what they say about you. All you can do is change how you react to it.Mahatma Gandhi
Let yourself change to how you react to others who treat you poorly or talk bad about you.
That could just be the change that the world needs.
Comment down below with your own battles with being liked and make sure that you follow me on my social media handles down below!